i dont know what to feel.

so this isnt the first time this has happened. to be honest i get confused about my emotions quite alot. at the start of the day i could be happily enjoying myself, waking up in an incredible mood and then through out the day something will change that mood. it can be anything; seeing something on facebook that doesnt quite agree with me, someone making a snide comment, realising that i really miss matt (oh god i really do miss him). but most of the time i dont even know why my mood changes. i wish i could just blame it on teenage angst but i dont think i can anymore.
i suppose what im trying to get at is that im just plain confused. i dont know how to feel or act. found myself in a bad mood quite alot recently, putting myself in some really self distructive situations. saying things that i dont really mean just to get a reaction out of people. its been nearly 2 months since matt left and i dont know if its just me being worried or paranoid but i can feel him getting more and more fed up with me. (if matt was reading this i know exactly what he's be saying to me "remember what i told you jess, worryings like a rocking chair").
i know he's right at the end of the day it gets me know where but with out being able to see him or talk to him i never know what he's thinking and i let my mind wonder alot.
i do know that i've been feeling really lonely, im at home every day of the week now that i've pretty much given up on college, with nothing to do. thank god that this week the sun was shining, that made it a little more bareable at least. i guess some company would be nice. even better another job to take my mind of being alone.
there are alot of things i need to sort out, if im going back to college in september or not (i hope its not too late), trying to find another job. well thats gunna have to wait for a week anyway because im going up north to see matt. fuck im so scared about having to get the train & the tube on my own! my mums stressing bless her and doing the best she can to make sure im prepared. im really excited to see matt, i've missed being able to hold him, and sleep next to him and know that he's close. im trying not too seem too keen, just because i know what matts like. i show my feelings/emotions more than he does so i dont want him to think that im over the top, i dont want to put him off. god i guess im still nervous about what he thinks of me :/
i've gone off on such a tanget and im totally waffling on... whatevs.