waste of time.

i need to stop wasting my time on guys with emotional problems, i think that may be the key to all the hurt i've been dealing with lately. every one of my ex's have had emotional issues that have effected our entire relationship. we've had manipulative types, violent and now we've had the "im so moody and emotionless, i wont show you i care but i'll protest that i do profoundly". im sick to the back teeth of having to carry my own dilemma's and now having to handle theirs as well. i feel constantly burdened!


is it really that much to ask for a guy who actually wants to show his love for you, a guy who will grab you in public and hug you and hold you and never want to let you go. i wish so much that i could have that but it just feels like every time i find myself caring about someone they never want to show me love, they're ashamed of me, they wont show me feelings.


even writing this im crying because im still not over him. i know im not! we decided it was best to break up because the distance wasnt working but now it feels like i was nothing to him. he treats me like a stranger. even before we put a label on this brief thing we had we were friends, he was my best friend. we could spend weeks with one another and never get bored of the company and now im lucky to get a text, even better when he's not ignoring me.


how did it come to this? i hate how people who come into your life and make such an impact always end up leaving in the worst way. but thats the truth of it i guess. PEOPLE. ALWAYS. LEAVE.


im trying my best to handle this but im finding it hard. its always difficult, after having someone mean so much to you then in an instant they're torn from your life. i guess its different because me and him never saw each other after he moved but we would text nearly every second of the day. but as soon as we broke things off, it all changed.


i just wish he knew that he didnt have to be this emotionless tin man, because when he opens up to me then it feels like were in our own world. when he shows me that he has feelings, that he actually cares (& yes i know he cares even though were arguing about the fact that he never shows it) its like im being told a secret that i can never share. its our secret and even if thats all we have its ok, because its something. something we can keep to ourselves. maybe the one thing that could hold us together... the fact that he does open up to me.


i dont know how im going to move on, i guess the same way i always manage to... its sad to think that im so used to healing a broken heart at the age of 18 but thats the reality of life now-a-days.