Change & fear.

I find myself changing more everyday. Not out of want or will, its an uncontrollable change. I always used to be a stubborn child, i hated change. I never liked moving house much, as it was a new surrounding. I'd much rather have just stuck to my comfort zone keeping everything how i like it. But when i moved back down to Hayling after a 2 year gap in Scotland i realised that, change wasnt so bad after all. I shared a room with my sister at the back of the house untill she decided i wasnt a good room mate and moved to the smallest room in the house. It was strange for a while, being so alone in a big room, when i was used to the company of my dearest sister. But i grew used to being alone, & infact i quite enjoyed it.
Ever since i've loved my privacy, getting a room to myself changed me, from wanting to be with someone, to wanting to be on my own all of the time. My mum doesnt like the distance i have from the rest of the family, & i know this will sound harsh, but spending time with the family isnt something i enjoy doing. It always ends up in arguements, and i would rather stay in my room, or the office. Listening to loud music, venting my feelings on random blogs, or drawing my emotions.

Recently i feel myself changing and drifting. Knowing that college is just round the corner has made me think about change. My closest friends are going to a different college to me, and im going to be alone in this new surrounding. It's frightening. I find myself contradicting my feelings. As much as i love being alone, spending quality time with myself, i also find that i have Monophobia, a fear of being alone. I know, this makes no sense at all. If i love being alone so much, why am i scared of being alone. I confuse myself sometime, god only knows what my friends and family think of me.

I also know that i have Athazagoraphobia, fear of being forgotten, it scares me knowing that when i die, thats it. No one will remember me, of course friends and family, but who else ? My life is miniscule, unimportant and unnessecary. Ghandi quotes that "Everything you do in life is insignificant, but you do it because if you dont. No one else will."

Death another fear of mine, a fear of dying, thanatophobia. I dont want to die. I know i will, and i know its only natural, but it scares me. All my thought, all my emotions will die along with me. Silence comes. I realise that im actually quite a strange character, with all my fears and contradictions. I dont know how the people in my life cope with me. I can hardly cope with myself.